Bed Space

According to Google;

The king size mattress dimensions are 76 inches wide by approximately 80 inches long – about 18 inches wider than a queen. This is the closest a couple can come to having as much personal space (38 inches) as each would have on a twin bed.

38 Inches per person is that what it says right? That’s what I see too, so riddle me this Batman, why does the wifey & I’s sleeping arrangement look more like this?

I’m not joking this is what it looks like. now let me explain the wifey & I are not small people we need our space.

I bring this up, because last night according to wifey I threw my pillow into her face when I came to bed, now I am not saying I didn’t, but it wasn’t intentional, however dear readers let me explain.

She was over on my side just a little bit more than usual with her pillow, now she will argue this til she’s blue in the face, but c’mon I bet if I took a poll of men, more than 70% would also face this dilemma.

I almost jumped up and measured her space vs mine, because I tell you dear readers my right arm (I sleep on the right side) was on the edge of the KING SIZED bed, but I was afraid I would wake her up, and then “That’s how the fight began.” So I stayed in my little coffin of a space, while she snored directly in my ear (glad I wear ear plugs, but I can still hear the thunderous roars, it’s just not as bad.

Anyway dear readers a miracle happened, it wasn’t intentional I was trying to be the good guy here, but I rolled over….not violently like normal, (sometimes it’s almost like I jump up in mid-air and turn while still in the air then come crashing down, i’m not sure how I do this, I would like to see it on video) just casually rolled over facing the left. She awoke and exclaimed in startled voice “What was that?” I didn’t respond, thinking she may be talking in her sleep. Again she said “What was that?” At this time I realized she was not in a deep slumber so I responded with “What was what?” “That shaking!” she said. I didn’t understand, so I replied with “I rolled over, but there wasn’t any shaking.”

I think what happened was I may have rolled and touched her hand, or pillow, or something since she was over on my side of the bed more than usual. Here is where the miracle happened dear readers

she rolled over back onto her side of the bed, and we both slept uninterrupted til the dawn.

So men, I ask you what is the solution to the bed stealing wives, girlfriends, or significant others in our lives? Or is there even a solution? Are we cursed to live the rest of our lives in our palaces like this? Is it just in our minds and our ladies are correct after all? Are we mad? Is there a way to put a barrier, so neither one of us wake up with black eyes or worse…divorced?

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The Chris Clay Diet

I am a big boy….topping at over 300 lbs and I’m 6’5″ weight has been an issue with me since I was a kid….actually the whole family is overweight, my mom has had her stomach stapled and did the biariatric surgery as well.

I have had my share of diets as well, cabbage soup diet, atkins, weight watchers….you get the idea.

For my wife’s birthday my mother gave her the old treadmill, we couldn’t get it to work until her dad looked at it and told us that it needed silicone spray (hell we didn’t know, neither one of us had a treadmill before). Anyway we got it working.

There is this guy at work name is Chris Clay (hence the title….see where I’m going with this?) Chris was never a big man, but he was putting on some weight, which I’m sure it’s because of stress do to his job (pssst he’s a bigwig).

The other day I seen Chris and a lot of people were noticing that Mr. Clay had lost a lot of weight, even my wife mentioned that he had to buy some new clothes because his cureent threads were falling off the man.

I spoke to Chris and the conversation went like this:

Me: Hey Chris, man you’ve really lost a lot of weight.

Chris: Thanks

Me: What’s your secret

Chris: I do a 1/2 hour of treadmill everyday

Me: That’s it?

Chris: Yeah

Me: Wow, so have you been watching what you’ve been eating at all or no (thinking I could still eat like a pig and just do the treadmill for 1/2 an hour and be a skinny minnie)

Chris: Well I have a SMART ONES for lunch then I TRY to eat a sensible dinner, TRY is the key word

Me: Did you stop drinking

Chris: (looking at me very serious) Oh I still drink, I haven’t given up my beer.

Me: Whew lol ok. So that’s it huh?

Chris: That’s it!

Me: How much have you lost?

Chris: I started out at 238 lbs and I’m down to 209….my goal is 200 lbs.

Me: That’s awesome! How long have you been doing this?

Chris: Since January.

I have started this diet, as of Monday 5/2/2011 and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Now I didn’t weight myself before I started because we don’t have scales yet heh. A half hour on the treadmill is a 1.7 miles and 278 calories…..I think this is pretty impressive, hey I’m a fat man and I have actually seen proof that a diet actually works.

Look I’m 42 years old and I have a stepson, I don’t want to keel over and die of a heart attack just by playing ball with the little dude in the back yard. I want to live dammit! I don’t even really have a goal, well that’s a lie I have a goal, but it’s not realistic because I would look like a crack head, but even losing 100 lbs would make me HAWT like in my college years.