Got a baby Elephant

Last night I had a dream….It started off that my order of illegal fireworks had arrived, but they weren’t mailed. I had to go and retrieve them from the delivery guy, who was parked a block away and handing out the fireworks that people had ordered…one of my neighbors also had ordered some fireworks.

When I arrived there was quite a few people there, they weren’t in a line per se, just kind of all huddled around the truck (which BTW resembled more of an ice cream truck than a delivery truck).

When I received my fireworks I inspected them, and they looked like Black Cat fireworks,


but way different. They were shaped like cigars, and came in a variety of sizes, just like cigars. I was running home to tell my brother in law about these firecrackers, since he’s into that kind of stuff, he likes things that go boom!

I get home, and my phone rings…it’s a home phone, not a cellular and I don’t recognize the voice on the other end, but asks if I want this table…..I don’t remember saying yes or no, but the next thing I know is I’m outside in a Brooklyn Bed-Stuy type neighborhood.

I drive down the street, and it empties into a field, the building that I am going into to get the table is on the corner, and faces the field. I get out of my car and I look at the field. The field looks rundown, and the ground/grass isn’t very green, more like a hay type color of brown, but not quite dead.

I turn around and there is an older black gentleman outside, I ask him “What used to be there?” he says, “They used to make porno films in that field.” I just shrug like “OK.”

So, I go into the building, and climb the stairs. On the right hand side is a Doctor or therapists office, and on the left hand side along a long hallway at the very end was another office….i’m not sure what kind it was, but this is where the table was.

I make my way to this office, and there is a lady in there on the telephone smoking a cigarette, I explain that I’m here for the table, she just points towards the back while the cigarette dangles in the corner of her mouth.

I make my way back and find this big ridiculous poker style table.
I wheel it down the hall, and into my car, get home, and I think I get the table in the house, but i’m not sure….the next thing I remember is I am going outside every now and then and looking at my car, at first I don’t notice it, but the car seems to be in different places with each glance.

The 3rd and final time I look some girl yells “Hey man, your car is moving!” I run after it and it crashes into a light pole, but no real damage is done, more of an inconvenience than anything. I don’t even retrieve the car, I go back into the house, because my phone is ringing again.

I answer it and I think it’s the same lady who was on the phone smoking earlier, she asks me if I could watch her baby Elephant, I tell her “No! Not again!” (like this is a regular occurrence for me)….she somehow persuades me, and I go back to the office, I think I walk, since it was just down the block, and my car was still over on the side of the road in front of the light pole.

I enter the office, and now I’M smoking a cigarette, the baby Elephant comes out, and stands behind me……it stands up on it’s hind legs, whispers in my ear “The cigarette smoke damages my skin.” I bitch to the lady about taking care of another Elephant, because all they do is shit……she ignores this, and asks me “Is there is anything else?” “I could use some diapers.” I say. “I have some.’ she responds “How many?” I inquire, She holds up her hand in a the “3” symbol.

Me and the Elephant exit the office, and make our way down the long hallway to the other office, we go inside and there are about 4-5 people in here, along with an elderly black man at the desk behind a glass window (not the same black man from before).

He looks at the Elephant, and says “That’s a nice looking Elephant.” “Thanks, but it’s not mine and I’m just watching him.” I reply, He says, “They shit a lot.” “Yeah, I know.” At this moment the Elephant has started pooping on my heels….it’s not a solid poop, it is very runny. The poop gets more on his floor that on my heels, so I try not to move, so the man can’t see it.

Just then a voice comes on the radio and it’s my mom’s friend Phil, I listen for a bit, but couldn’t tell you what he was saying….I could tell that he was calling in like a radio talk show, but no idea of the topic at hand.

“Hey, I know him” I say, the guy behind the glass says, “oh yeah, he calls in all the time.”

Then I wake up.

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My Week………..In A Nutshell

Howdy everyone!

Ok that’s out of the way, now on with it.

My father passed away on June 24th…..he wasn’t really my dad, he adopted me because my real father didn’t want me and my stepdad (who I considered my real dad passed away 5 years ago). Anyway we didn’t get along well and actually haven’t even spoke since 2005….so please no condolences needed ok?

Then the weekend came and Saturday my brother had a big bash…pre 4th of July if you will….it was a blast, LOTS of people and my brother grilled out…some amazing burgers, chicken, brats and weenies….lots O’ alcohol and I got a new tat:

Owl Tat

Sunday with me having a hangover my wife drove me and my old college roommate to his house since he was ditched at the party and needed a ride. After we dropped him off me and wifey went to her mom and dad’s camper and hung out in the HEAT!!! Of course it rained (psst….it always rains when I go, there is an inside joke that it’s my fault that it rains).

Checked out the fireworks on Sunday night….ever tried to take a pic of a firework? Yeah it sucks….observe:

firework

firework2

Fireworks were ok, i’ve seen better, i’ve seen worse, but it was still fun.

Monday came home and finished GAME OF THRONES on ON DEMAND from COMCAST….if you haven’t watched it I highly suggest you watch it, me and wifey watched 7 episodes on Friday night alone……CRAZY!

Today I had yet another battle with my fucking lawnmower….a little backstory with this beast that I’m sure the BROWNROAD CHRONICLES can relate to. The 1st time the lawnmower gave me fits was because I didn’t have enough oil in it (who knew?) the 2nd time was because I had TO MUCH (that’s right TOO MUCH) oil in it…….seriously?????? Third time it died on me was because something was wrong with it (I can’t remember what “Mr. Fix It” said, but the mower was blowing out oil……Can I get a break??? Nope….just wait. I tried to mow the yard last week, I got the front yard cut no problem…..get to the back yard, I get halfway and it dies…….next day I get less usage before it dies….3rd day……that’s right folks 3 DAYS TRYING TO MOW MY YARD!!!!!!!

Today I get home and “Mr. Fix It” came and fixed the mower, said that it was the carburetor and it’s just the nature of the beast…..no way to fix it…awesome right?

Well he mowed the front yard……thank you sir. I get to the beloved backyard and guess how many x’s it died on me? Go ahead I’ll wait……………..

 

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Keep going

 

 

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7 times!!!!!!!!!!!! And to top that off, I ran out of gas and if you refuel the mower won’t start again till the next day, I asked “Mr. Fix It” why that happens, he says it’s just one of those things……….and he fixes mowers for a reason.

I have begged and pleaded with wifey to let us buy a new one….her response? You’ll love this.

“We will get a new one, when the season is over”

“Great! How in the hell am I supposed to mow in the meantime”

She just laughs.

I have to laugh too…..or I’ll cry.

“I’m Gonna Fight You!”

Last night my stepson wanted to go outside and play while mommy made dinner, so I went out with him to watch him and make sure he didn’t runaway or get kidnapped or just didn’t do anything he shouldn’t be doing.

It started out ok with him riding his bike, but then his ADD kicked in and he wanted to ride his battery operated Jeep. The night before we all sat out in the driveway and watched a local church put on a firework show and while we waited he rode the Jeep around and the battery was getting weak and we all forgot to charge it.

He tells me that he wants to ride his Jeep, I tell him that it’s dead and that the battery needs to be charged, which usually takes overnight to charge it.

“No it isn’t”

“Ok fine” I have grown tired of arguing with a four year old, so whenever he argues now, I just say “OK.”

He rides the Jeep and surprisingly it works…………until he gets out into the street and turns around to go over the little ramp back up to the driveway. Here is where it turns sour, the Jeep doesn’t have the power to make it over the ramp and he starts yelling at me.

“COME GET ME!!!!”

“No” I say calmly, because he didn’t say please and I am trying to get this kid to learn his manners, if he would have said please I would have jumped up and helped ¬†and I wasn’t going to remind him.

“GET OVER HER AND HELP ME!!!”

“No, you can push it” It’s not that heavy, even for a 4 year old.

He gets out and pushes it, to my surprise he pushes it very hard and easily (he was pissed!) he pushes it all the way up to the top of the driveway.

“I’m gonna tell mommy you yelled at me!”

“No, I didn’t” I didn’t yell, this whole entire time I was very calm and trying not to egg him on.

He goes inside and SLAMS the door, he comes out a few seconds later…

“I’M GONNA FIGHT YOU!!!”

He’s carying this toy sword that if you get hit with it, it does hurt, and he comes out and he starts hitting me really fast repeatedly.

“Stop!”

Continues hitting me

“I said stop”

Continues hitting me, so I swat his butt, it would have been harder, but the angle I was at I couldn’t reach it….he stops and just glares at me.

“Get in the house!”

Still glaring

“NOW!!!!!!!!”

He starts crying and he goes inside, I follow him and he stands in the kitchen.

“Get on the couch and don’t move!!”

Mommy finally has had it

“Ok what is going on”

I explain to her that he is upset because the Jeeps’ battery is dead and I calmly explain to her as I did above. After I finished she took my side and told him that he knows better than to hit people with the sword, and he stays on the couch till dinner is ready (about 10 mins if that).

Sigh……good times.