Bed Space

According to Google;

The king size mattress dimensions are 76 inches wide by approximately 80 inches long – about 18 inches wider than a queen. This is the closest a couple can come to having as much personal space (38 inches) as each would have on a twin bed.

38 Inches per person is that what it says right? That’s what I see too, so riddle me this Batman, why does the wifey & I’s sleeping arrangement look more like this?

I’m not joking this is what it looks like. now let me explain the wifey & I are not small people we need our space.

I bring this up, because last night according to wifey I threw my pillow into her face when I came to bed, now I am not saying I didn’t, but it wasn’t intentional, however dear readers let me explain.

She was over on my side just a little bit more than usual with her pillow, now she will argue this til she’s blue in the face, but c’mon I bet if I took a poll of men, more than 70% would also face this dilemma.

I almost jumped up and measured her space vs mine, because I tell you dear readers my right arm (I sleep on the right side) was on the edge of the KING SIZED bed, but I was afraid I would wake her up, and then “That’s how the fight began.” So I stayed in my little coffin of a space, while she snored directly in my ear (glad I wear ear plugs, but I can still hear the thunderous roars, it’s just not as bad.

Anyway dear readers a miracle happened, it wasn’t intentional I was trying to be the good guy here, but I rolled over….not violently like normal, (sometimes it’s almost like I jump up in mid-air and turn while still in the air then come crashing down, i’m not sure how I do this, I would like to see it on video) just casually rolled over facing the left. She awoke and exclaimed in startled voice “What was that?” I didn’t respond, thinking she may be talking in her sleep. Again she said “What was that?” At this time I realized she was not in a deep slumber so I responded with “What was what?” “That shaking!” she said. I didn’t understand, so I replied with “I rolled over, but there wasn’t any shaking.”

I think what happened was I may have rolled and touched her hand, or pillow, or something since she was over on my side of the bed more than usual. Here is where the miracle happened dear readers

she rolled over back onto her side of the bed, and we both slept uninterrupted til the dawn.

So men, I ask you what is the solution to the bed stealing wives, girlfriends, or significant others in our lives? Or is there even a solution? Are we cursed to live the rest of our lives in our palaces like this? Is it just in our minds and our ladies are correct after all? Are we mad? Is there a way to put a barrier, so neither one of us wake up with black eyes or worse…divorced?

Advertisements

Got a baby Elephant

Last night I had a dream….It started off that my order of illegal fireworks had arrived, but they weren’t mailed. I had to go and retrieve them from the delivery guy, who was parked a block away and handing out the fireworks that people had ordered…one of my neighbors also had ordered some fireworks.

When I arrived there was quite a few people there, they weren’t in a line per se, just kind of all huddled around the truck (which BTW resembled more of an ice cream truck than a delivery truck).

When I received my fireworks I inspected them, and they looked like Black Cat fireworks,


but way different. They were shaped like cigars, and came in a variety of sizes, just like cigars. I was running home to tell my brother in law about these firecrackers, since he’s into that kind of stuff, he likes things that go boom!

I get home, and my phone rings…it’s a home phone, not a cellular and I don’t recognize the voice on the other end, but asks if I want this table…..I don’t remember saying yes or no, but the next thing I know is I’m outside in a Brooklyn Bed-Stuy type neighborhood.

I drive down the street, and it empties into a field, the building that I am going into to get the table is on the corner, and faces the field. I get out of my car and I look at the field. The field looks rundown, and the ground/grass isn’t very green, more like a hay type color of brown, but not quite dead.

I turn around and there is an older black gentleman outside, I ask him “What used to be there?” he says, “They used to make porno films in that field.” I just shrug like “OK.”

So, I go into the building, and climb the stairs. On the right hand side is a Doctor or therapists office, and on the left hand side along a long hallway at the very end was another office….i’m not sure what kind it was, but this is where the table was.

I make my way to this office, and there is a lady in there on the telephone smoking a cigarette, I explain that I’m here for the table, she just points towards the back while the cigarette dangles in the corner of her mouth.

I make my way back and find this big ridiculous poker style table.
I wheel it down the hall, and into my car, get home, and I think I get the table in the house, but i’m not sure….the next thing I remember is I am going outside every now and then and looking at my car, at first I don’t notice it, but the car seems to be in different places with each glance.

The 3rd and final time I look some girl yells “Hey man, your car is moving!” I run after it and it crashes into a light pole, but no real damage is done, more of an inconvenience than anything. I don’t even retrieve the car, I go back into the house, because my phone is ringing again.

I answer it and I think it’s the same lady who was on the phone smoking earlier, she asks me if I could watch her baby Elephant, I tell her “No! Not again!” (like this is a regular occurrence for me)….she somehow persuades me, and I go back to the office, I think I walk, since it was just down the block, and my car was still over on the side of the road in front of the light pole.

I enter the office, and now I’M smoking a cigarette, the baby Elephant comes out, and stands behind me……it stands up on it’s hind legs, whispers in my ear “The cigarette smoke damages my skin.” I bitch to the lady about taking care of another Elephant, because all they do is shit……she ignores this, and asks me “Is there is anything else?” “I could use some diapers.” I say. “I have some.’ she responds “How many?” I inquire, She holds up her hand in a the “3” symbol.

Me and the Elephant exit the office, and make our way down the long hallway to the other office, we go inside and there are about 4-5 people in here, along with an elderly black man at the desk behind a glass window (not the same black man from before).

He looks at the Elephant, and says “That’s a nice looking Elephant.” “Thanks, but it’s not mine and I’m just watching him.” I reply, He says, “They shit a lot.” “Yeah, I know.” At this moment the Elephant has started pooping on my heels….it’s not a solid poop, it is very runny. The poop gets more on his floor that on my heels, so I try not to move, so the man can’t see it.

Just then a voice comes on the radio and it’s my mom’s friend Phil, I listen for a bit, but couldn’t tell you what he was saying….I could tell that he was calling in like a radio talk show, but no idea of the topic at hand.

“Hey, I know him” I say, the guy behind the glass says, “oh yeah, he calls in all the time.”

Then I wake up.

I upset Miley

Last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with Ms. Cyrus. She was living in a motel room. Notice I said motel, and not hotel….this was one of those run down motel’s you see on the side of the highways, and her room was disgusting, shit everywhere, clothes, food, you name it…..and it looked like it had been lived in for quite some time.

So, anyway we were just hanging out and talking like we were old friends, nothing sexual. Jimmy Kimmel comes over, but he has other ideas than just hanging out *brown chicken brown cow*

So let me describe her room to you, it had two areas, one was the living quarters and then there was a closet, but the closet didn’t go all the way to the ceiling, so if you stood on a chair and peered over you could see into her bedroom which was on the other side of the closet.

And peer I did =8-) I seen her and and Jimmy after the fact, and of course I seen Miley’s privates, but hell everyone’s seen Miley’s privates right? That’s not what upset her, I’ll get to what upset her in a bit.

After Jimmy left Miley & I walked to the front office, where her and the office lady got into a long conversation, I couldn’t tell you what they were talking about, and I wasn’t really listening….the conversation didn’t include me, and I felt like I was intruding, so I walked back to her room. I sat on a chair, which was the only chair in the house in the middle of the rubble waiting for her. While waiting I seen a magazine, so I picked it up and just started thumbing through it.

Now Miley’s room had a type of garage door that opened from the inside, so I opened it up to get some air in the stale smelling room, and to get rid of Jimmy’s sex smell *ewwww* It looked like we were in a desolate area that was in the desert kinda like this picture:

There were some of those plastic colored flags hanging off the motel that were blowing in the wind, like from a grand opening or a special event, but they had been up there awhile since they were faded, and some were ripped.

As i’m flipping through the magazine this guy shows up, in his early 20’s he walks in through the garage door type opening, and asks me where Miley is, I tell him that she’s at the front office talking. He gives this o.k. kinda shrug and heads for her refrigerator which is in her bedroom.

He asks if there’s any beer in here as he opens the door, I tell him I don’t know I haven’t looked, I peer inside the fridge from where I’m sitting, and it’s almost bare, I make out a French’s mustard laying on it’s side and some other things in there, but nothing really edible.

He grabs something that looks like a mason jar, but not really and it’s half filled with a clear liquid (it could have been moonshine). As he closes the fridge door four or five guys show up and then Miley comes back in the room, and she says to me

“Why did you leave?”

“You were talking, and it didn’t seem to concern me, plus I didn’t want to eavesdrop, so I cam back here.”

“Did I say it was o.kk to come back here without me?”

“No, but I didn’t do anything, I was just sitting here and found this magazine, so I was looking at it waiting on you”

“Well I think that’s rude, you don’t just go into anyone’s home without asking, or by yourself.”

Miley was upset, so I left…..then woke up.

Retirement

Seems weird to be retired at my age, but as of yesterday at 8 p.m. I officially retired from the cigar shop. I worked there for two years, and another one previously for another two years.

I originally sought out a part time job to just pay for my cigar obsession/hobby, since wifey said I couldn’t use our money on cigars, so I told her I was going to get a part time job to pay for it myself, which she was fine with, but neither one of us knew what a toll this would take on our lives.



    Late nights at the shop
    Missed family gatherings
    Missed ballgames
    Missed summer activities (mostly pool time)
    Missed opportunities of time with the wife in general

So, after four years I decided to give the boss my notice. He was quite shocked, but when I told him my reasoning’s he completely understood. Wife was really shocked (she had NOTHING to do with my decision, this is all on me), the guys & gals at the shop were both shocked and sad that I was leaving, but they also understood and were proud of me with my decision.

So, this past weekend was it for me. I worked 39.75 hours in four days. Had a lot of laughs, memories, fond farewells, drinks and smokes. A lot of these people I will probably never see again. Sure I said I would return, and I do plan on it, but as I mentioned it to people when they asked me “it will be awhile, but I will return.” One of my friends put it perfectly: “When you miss it, you’ll return.”

I am hoping that I can devote more time to Mr T’s Jibba Jabba, but I make no promises like in the past, as you know I am a slacker, but I will try.

It’s going to be a period of adjustment for me, I mean c’mon four years!!!! My friend said I should take up a hobby, I said “Hell, my hobbies are drinking beer, smoking cigars, and playing video games……what else is there?” He said, “Take up whittling.”

No thanks

So, I hope with my retirement I am able to do the things I missed out on, and enjoy life.

Til next time (let’s hope it’s soon)

Link

Louder Than Hell: The Definitive Oral History of MetalLouder Than Hell: The Definitive Oral History of Metal by Jon Wiederhorn
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is a great book for metal fans both young and old. The book covers the early days (Blue Cheer. Sabbath, Alice Cooper) to most current metal bands (Slipknot, Disturbed, and Godsmack).

In depth interviews, lots of debauchery, and some un-needed details.

All in all this was a pleasure to read, even if I didn’t like certain bands or genres.

View all my reviews

R.I.P. Favorite Tunes Friday

I’ve decided to kill off Friday Tunes Friday……even though it was nice, but well it just wasn’t me.

I now bring you the Transdimensional Space Goat:

This is how I feel when I hear music……it just helps me escape from everyday life/problems.

When I was younger I would just sit in my room put on music and blast off.

Let’s get to it then this is 3 AM UFO Blues Tapes all I can find out about this “band” is that it’s a one man band from Peru….this is Can’t Stand, and this is perfect for the birth of the Transdimensional Space Goat. Ignition in 3….2….1: