My New Smoking Buddy…Maybe You Know Him?

Last Sunday my brother-in-law asked me if I was interested in a smoking buddy, I replied “Hell Yeah!” since all my BOTL’s (Brother Of The Leaf) are not very close to me. He explained how this person had a massive humidor filled with all kinds of cigars. He gave me his # and left the rest up to me.

I finally got around to calling him on Tuesday night and introduced myself, he was actually at a B&M I hadn’t been to before and we shot the chit for a bit. I invited him to the herf which probably isn’t going to happen this Saturday.

I googled his name, because he told me he was a race car driver and had several world records under his belt and his latest car is a million dollar beauty….I know nothing about racing other than they usually go in circles, so I’m thinking to myself this guy can’t be all that and be from my small little town…..well everything he told me was correct, but it still didn’t dawn on me who he was.

I had done my part and I really wasn’t expecting anything else from it.

He called me on Wednesday night and asks if I had or was smoking, I told him no it was too cold he burst out in this evil maniacal laughter and asked if I wanted to come over and smoke some. My plan last night was to stay at home and clock in some time on my new game (Saints Row:The Third) I just got the night before, I couldn’t play it on Tuesday because wifey had taken over the tv so last night was my night to play………but I thought about it for about 2 seconds and said “YES!” wife was out so I text her and told I was going.

I get the directions (9 mins from my house!) and I pull up, he meets me outside and we shake hands and he invites me in to see his humi…pics below:

This is with the doors closed

Top Shelf

 

Still the first shelf

 

Second Shelf

 

Third Shelf

 

And the very bottom

 

And with the doors open

 

He started showing me his collection box by box and educating me more and more this hobby. He then asked me which one I wanted out of his humi, I didn’t want to be greedy and take his Davidoffs or anything, so I chose the Bolivar Mudaro since I hadn’t had one and have been wanting one for a few weeks now. I also brought him a Perdomo Lot 23 which to my surprise he said he hadn’t had before.

 

 

 

 

 

The Bolivar was a much milder than I anticipated, but it was a great smoke.

We go outside to his “office” which was basically his garage and there he proceeded to tell me about his company and what he does, I am not going to go into detail I will just tell you to google the name Marlon Kirby.

So I just wanted to tell you about my adventure  from the other night and give props to a generous and fellow BOTL.

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This Week In Smokes

Well it’s been a pretty slow week for smoking, I have been fighting a cold and I didn’t want to chance ruining my smokes do to my illness.

But fear no my loyal readers for I do have SOMETHING to post about.

Over at the CigarAsylum they had a contest for the longest ash, and another for the biggest fail (meaning pics of the destruction of your ash) I submitted these, I don’t remember the 1st cigar, I believe it was a Diesel Unholy Cocktail. Anyway I had about an inch and a 1/2 on it and this happened:

This was on Friday I believe, Saturday I listened to KissMyAshRadio and I won a $50 gift certificate for answering a movie trivia question, they play a clip of a movie and you guess which one it is….mine was True Romance.

Here is what I purchased with my GC:

The sticks are:

  1. My Uzi Weighs A Ton
  2. CAO Brazilia Amazon
  3. Tatuaje Anarchy (exclusive from SmokeInn.com who also do the radio show…I was actually told to get a 5er of these, that alone was $49.99 and since I am still new to cigars and want to try everything under the sun I opted for 2 of these)
  4. Liga Privada Undercrown (these are new and everyone is raving about them)
  5. Kristoff Sumatra ( I freaking LOVE Kristoffs, I haven’t had this brand yet, so I had to try it)

Not too bad eh?

Sunday while at the inlaws I thought I would try the contest again, this time it was with a Gurkha the last Gurkha if you recall bored me to tears, this one was MUCH better.

As you can see I got more ash on this one, but still not enough to win, I believe the winner had a 3.5 inch and the destruction ended up on his chest, crotch and leg. no pics of my destruction, and I easily beat 3 inches, but my phone died and I couldn’t take the pic

Monday I received a package as part of a trade, I gave the guy some 6 finger slot bags and in return he gave me…….some CUBANS….shhhhhh……check it out and watch the drool, I had to

Included are:

  1. Partagas
  2. Ramon Allones
  3. Padilla Corojo Torpedo
  4. Camacho Quinto Corte Torpedo
  5. LA Herencia Oscuro Fuerte
  6. Padron 1964 Anniversary Series Box Press Lancero

He told me to watch out for the Camacho, because it might kill me and the Padilla is from 2006 and smoking very nice right now.

No smoking from Sunday till Yesterday, I couldn’t take it I was Jonzin’ for a cigar so I lit up one that I wasn’t familiar with, but also wasn’t in in hurry to smoke, boy did it suck too. It was Puros Indios Torpedo and it just tasted bad and left a bad taste in my mouth.

Today I tried again and with the wife’s advice to try one I have had before so I had a Cusano 18 Double Connecticut Robusto and it was great….no pics…suffer.

Bombarded By Bees & Favorite Tunes Friday the Saturday Edition

Today wifey and I took the boy to the apple orchard to get some apples and let him pick out a pumpkin.

We get there and he wants to play on the swingset with the other kids, but instead of playing with the other kids he plays alone in the straw….I guess that’s pretty common for an only child.

After a few mins of that he wants to pick out a pumpkin, we go and find 2, however he doesn’t want to carry any of them heh, so I haul them back to the car while he and mommy go to the apple and cider and produce section.

I join them and wifey keeps asking me to get some cider (I love cider, but for $5 a gallon & $3 a 1/2 gallon I can do without). We ended up buying a pint of apple butter.

We go to the concession stand because I want an Elephant Ear, I LOVE them, but they are not like the fairs…bummer, I still get one, actually we get two + a water a cider for me and a cider slushy for the boy.

As were standing there waiting to order bees are EVERYWHERE and I do mean EVERYWHERE….I don’t like bees!

We get up there and order our stuff and I ask the lady at the counter if they get stung a lot “mmmm not too bad, we will usually grab one by accident, and the other day one flew up my shirt and stung me…..NOT FAIR!”

Did you just read that? OMG!!!!!!!!! have I told you I hate bees? well I HATE THEM, Bill Maher says there is a shortage of bees…..GOOD RIDDANCE!!!! I don’t care they suck!

THEY CAN SMELL FEAR!!!!!

So, we get our food and yep the bees surround us, so we walk away from the food and the other bees with food in tow, we go to the swingset area again thinking we would be far away enough……NOT!!!! THEY FOLLOWED US!!!!

We tried moving further away, no good so wifey says “We will probably have to eat them in the car” bummer, but ok I’m game.

We all move to the car and you should have seen how fast this big boy can get the food, the boy and himself in the car.

NO BEES!

We enjoy our treat and they (the bees) come the window…..I’m not lying! It was like that moie where the bees cover the VW and they have to go to the football stadium and freeze the bees off……ok not that bad, but it was pretty terrifying none the less….heh.

A couple of weeks ago I was at a herf and there was a bee and I’m ducking and jiving trying to get away from it, one of they guys thought this was entertaining and made the comment “Really? You have all those tattoos and your scared of a little bee sting?” I had to laugh at that,

So that was my Saturday.

Sorry I missed Favorite Tunes Friday and I am not going to do a double shot, just the one.

Today I bring you

38 SPECIAL

I love this band, and I feel they never got their due, sure they had some big hits and they are loved and respected all over the Classic Radio stations, but a majority of people won’t put them up there with all the other greats….I will.

I had the pleasure of seeing them live twice…the 1st time they had Eddie Money open up for them and the 2nd they opened for Bon Jovi (REALLY???? I couldn’t believe it….they didn’t even play Hold On Loosely, it was a pretty shitty show).

This video is the very 1st song I ever heard from 38 Special where I fell in love with this band, I then went back and discovered their earlier better stuff, but this one popped my cherry with this band and it still tests the time.

Enjoy!

Conversations At The Microwave

If I hadn’t told you before me and my wife work together, we carpool with my sis n law sometimes (she usually rides with us) yeah and their mom oh and their brother work here too. We do our best to save one ice glacier a day…your welcome Al Gore.

Anyway this week my wife has been very busy on a new project and we couldn’t each lunch together, so we both have been eating at our desks, which is fine with me I can surf the web and not be around drivers while trying to eat (no disrespect…just sayin’).

So the past couple of days I have had a couple of interesting conversations with coworkers…well I found them interesting anyway.

#1 I’m at the microwave and I am talking to coworker who sits directly in front of the microwave. Poor guy he has to smell all that burnt popcorn, because people don’t understand that there is a button that clearly says “POPCORN” on it and if u have a small bag u press it twice…ok end of that rant and back to the topic at hand.

So I have 8 mins to kill while my lasagna is cooking (Smart ones remember the “Chris Clay Diet?”) So I go up to his desk (2 feet away) and I look on his desk and I see his eyeglasses case which has the Batman logo on it …badass  right? Here’s the conversation:

Me – Dude, that’s awesome! I love Batman
Him – Me too, I love Batman! I really really love him (he’s Mexican people give him a break will ya? Sheesh)
Me – Oh yeah? Well check this out (I show him my Batman tattoo…he is very impressed he might even had a boner…it is a nice tattoo)
Him – That is nice!
Me – Thanks!
Him – That is really really nice! Did it hurt?
Me – Hell yeah it did, they ALL hurt, don’t let anyone tell you they dont because they are lying.
Him – I didn’t know
Me – Wanna see my “Willie?” ( I love saying that…it cracks me up)
Him – (confused) Ok?
I show him my tattoo of Willie Nelson, again he is impressed. He then continues to ask me how long it took and how much all the usual stuff people ask when they see tattoos. I fulfill his curiosity then get my lasagna and eat.

#2 (this is a good one)

Coworker – Hey man I haven’t seen you and your wife much this week in the cafeteria
(I explain to him about how she is doing a special project and blah blah blah)
Somehow the conversation switches to him and his 2nd ex wife.
Him – Man I thought being with her was cool, she worked at Target in record dept (cd’s for all you youngsters) and we used to get free tickets to concerts and stuff.
We went to Tom Petty and we went backstage and I got all fucked up, and he fucked her.
Me – Who? Tom Petty?
Him – Yeah
Me – What he hell?
Him – Man I don’t know, but that was it. I divorced her ass…served her the papers on our anniversary.
Me – Hell yeah!
Him – It wasn’t planned, it just happened that way. “Here ya go bitch, happy anniversary!”
We both kinda laugh
Me – So you were what married 4 times or something?
Him – Yeah, with her we were only together a year, so I don’t really count her.
Me – Tom Petty huh?
Him – Yeah…that son of a bitch.

Microwave dings.

Comedian Or Stuntman

I’ve been in a funk lately;  I just haven’t had or couldn’t find anything to write about that has been worthwhile to you my dear readers  So, I am really pushing myself with this post, and I thought I would tell you about my childhood dreams.

When I was a little kid I heard about Steve Martin (who is still my all time favorite comedian, despite his terrible movies as of late),I am not sure where I discovered him it might have been Saturday Night Live  or where I got his records, but that’s not important. What is important was that I discovered him and he forever changed my life.

I would listen to his records religiously front to back over and over, memorize it and then “perform” it in the mirror or standing up in front of my empty bed and sometimes to my friends. This is where I discovered the gift of making people laugh and immediately fell in love with this art.

Then I started discovering other comedians like Bill Cosby, Gallagher, Howie Mandel, George Carlin, Robin Williams & Louie Anderson to give you an idea. I started studying these acts…comedy was very important to me.

I was never the typical “Class clown” but I did have my moments, but they were usually with my group of friends that I could make laugh. In the 80’s when I got cable I discovered A&E’s An Evening At The Improve this damn show seemed to be on 24/7 and my ass watched it religiously as well learning the craft, finding out what worked and what didn’t. An old friend of mine’s mom used to watch it too and we would compare notes and she brought up something that I’ve never forgot she said that comedians are sad people and they turn their pain into pleasure for others and it helps them when they make people laugh, I guess it was like therapy to them. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was right…now I’m not saying ALL comedians are this narcissistic, but there are some depressed comedians that ended up taking their own life.

Richard Jeni

Mitch Hedberg

Sam Kinison

Chris Farly

John Belushi

Greg Giraldo

Those are to name a few, most of these were “accidental overdoses” but my point is I wasn’t depressed hell I was a pretty good go lucky guy, I was kind of an outsider in HS because of my heavy metal music and long hair at a christian school, but I did have friends…..mostly the freaks & geeks lol.

I got a big break in HS, I was at a school dance that was being held at a small club and I was talking to the DJ who happened to be a big time local radio DJ here in town, he was DJ-ing because he was an alumni from the school. Anyway him and I started talking about comedy and he said the he does some stand up at a club downtown and offered me 5-10 min spot, I took his card and never called him……..I didn’t have the guts or courage….I still don’t, see I never wrote my own material, I just mimicked everyone elses stuff and you can’t do that. I don’t regret it and I still love and study comedy, but that was definitely not my calling.

My other childhood dream was to be a stuntman, now this fantasy may have came before the comedian idea I believe, because it was in the 70’s when I discovered EVEL KNEVIL the baddest mofo on the planet as far as i was concerned, here was something I could definitely do, ride a bike and jumps things……SOLD! He used to do these elaborate stunts and they were televised oh you can bet your ass I was watching, I believe the 1st one I seen him do was at a monster truck show or demolition derby or something and he had on this amazing stars & stripes jumpsuit with a CAPE!!!! How badass is that for 6 or 7 year old eh? He was MY superhero before I discovered Batman. He jumped over like 10-15 semi trailers and made it!

He was a cultural icon as well there were t-shirts, belt buckles, lunchboxes and toys of this badass, and I had them all!

You get the idea, I was his #1 fan…….hell even my grandma knew of my fascination with this man that when she met him she got me his autograph….I wish I still had it….Miss you granny!

Ok so I started doing stunts around the neighborhood, I would jump ramps, fall off my bike in the street on purpose and roll and I’m talking at booking speed for a kid…so what maybe 3-5 mph? I dunno, but it was fast to me and that pavement hurt, but I didn’t feel it I was a STUNTMAN! I would climb the highest branch on the tree and tell my friends to shoot me and I was would fall straight down. I would run my bike into other bikes or into garage doors or fences. On day I lined up 10 kids and ran and jumped them, I landed on the 10th kid….my brother, he was pissed sorry bro I misjudged my jump. I would even get on the roof jump off backwards and land on my back…never broke a bone…..until.

This went on for years, at least until I was a freshman in HS I was helping my step dad help his step dad move one cold Saturday morning and there were these steps with an iron bannister outside….I looked at the steps and thought I could jump this (see I was always practicing) but I didn’t want to jump the stairs, no I wanted to jump off the top and down to the ground….there wasn’t another set of stairs,  just cement….this is the best example I could find.

I was at the top on the rails, I believe there were 3 rails total and I was on the top one for more height and jumped up and out and down.

On the way down my right arm stuck the iron bannister and I heard a *SNAP* I knew something was not right, but I helped them move anyway. Turns out that my arm was broke, but my mom didn’t take me to the Dr. for several weeks even though I told her my arm was broke she wouldn’t believe me….HELLO? The damn thing was purple and bloated…oh well. One day I was at my aunts (she used to watch me and my brother when we got off school until my mom got off work to pick us up) and she asked me what was wrong my my arm, I said it’s broke (she has 4 kids, she knew the signs and symptoms for all) she said it sure is….well she calls my mom and asks her if she knew my arm was broke and she said that I had told her, but she didn’t think it was true, so my aunt informed her it was true.

We went to the Dr. and mom said for me not to tell the Doc that I had told her about this since she didn’t want to seem like she was a neg-lector…which she isn’t she probably just didn’t have to cash to take me there…hell I was in the emergency room nightly, I was on a one named basis with the staff…no joke, I was something else.

Fast forward to college, I had gotten into skateboarding, I had the banana boards when I was kid, but I had a sweet METALLICA deck in college, but couldn’t ride for shit….never could. One night in the dorm me and my buds have a brilliant idea and thought we would ride the skateboards in the hallway and land on mattresses….this was pre-Jackass people…we were were risk takers! I ended up breaking my left leg that night.

After the cast was removed I got back on my deck went outside the dorm door and immediately fell and broke my left leg….SEIOUSLY???? Mom was pissed boy, that was the end of my Stuntman career, even though I had only broke 3 bones in my body, nothing like my hero Evel….he broke EVERY bone in his body more than once….I still love that man, him and Burt Reynolds…hey he was the Bandit & Hooper.

 

 

 

You’re Never Gonna Believe This One…..

Last night I got the ok to buy a brand new mower……If you have been following my blog you will know that my mortal enemy as of late is the lawnmower.

So, last night after work we had it all planned out, go grocery shopping then have “Mr. Fix It” meet at our house so he could go with us and tell us which mowers were good and which were junk (if you recall he fixes mowers for a living, but mine is the ANTI-MOWER!).

Me and wifey end up going to dinner because we were hungry and we didn’t want to buy up the whole store…ever been shopping when you were hungry? It’s torture, and “Mr. Fix It” was going to eat dinner at my bro/sis in laws house while he waited for us to call him…..we didn’t go grocery shopping because it got too late and I couldn’t wait to buy my new mower.

After dinner we get “Mr. Fix It” and he follows us in his company van to store #1.

We look at the selection or lack there of for our budget and decided that this wasn’t the store for us.

We go to store # 2 and “Mr. Fix It” leaves his van at store #1, we would buy the mower load it in our car and drop him off at his van on the way home right? Just wait.

We get to store # 2 and they had a little bit better selection, but not by much and we still weren’t satisfied, so off to store #3.

We get in the car, I turn the key in the ignition and nothing but click click click……we all look at each other and sweat starts to appear on me (it’s 94 degrees outside with a heat index of 115), I try it again same result…click click click.

“Mr. Fix It” says the battery is dead….all I can think of is there goes my mower……so wifey says do they sell them here at store# 2? He says he doesn’t think so….I go in and check and sure enough they do not….awesome!

We call the sis-in-law she comes and takes us all to “Mr. Fix It’s” van and wifey and sis-in-law go back to her house, no room for wifey in the van and no reason for her to sweat it out.

Me and “Mr. Fix It” go to store #3 to buy a new car battery….it’s about 8:45pm and we still haven’t been home from work. We get to the car battery section and look up our car……..THEY DON’T HAVE IT IN STOCK!!!! In fact, THEY DON’T EVEN CARRY THE KIND WE NEED!!!!! The store is deserted and I go to look for help.

I walk to the sporting good section….deserted, electronics…..only 2 people there and they are busy…..cameras…..deserted…..shoe dept….I spy a worker walking down the main aisle of the store and I say “Help, help, can you help me please?” She looks me dead in the eye and keeps walking!!!! “Really? You’re just going to keep walking? Nice!!!”

Another lady comes up and I ask her for help, she says she will try to get someone, I thank her and head back to the batteries. I tell “Mr. Fix It” about it and he is trying to find the battery we need……no one shows up to help…we continue to look for the battery still no luck.

Still no one has come to help…..”Mr. Fix It” looks at my battery and this other battery that is clearly not the right battery and he starts measuring it up with his eyes. He takes out his tape measurer and starts measuring the new battery…..still no help has arrived. He goes back and forth measuring them and finally he says “This one will work!” I say “Are you sure?” Like I have any right to question “Mr. Fix It.” “He says “Oh yeah.”

I shrug and agree with him…..$80 later and I have a new battery, we decide to look at the lawn mowers while we there there, since this was the next store on the list anyway….they were all junk.

We go back to the car and install the battery….all good right? Just wait.

I turn the key in the ignition and it starts HOORAY I think, but “Mr. Fix It” knows better, he goes to his van and pulls out a battery tester, the dude is like Batman with his utility belt!

He hooks it up and tells me to push the gas a little bit, I do and he kills all my happiness with these words….”It’s not charging.”

WHAT?????????????? Seriously? It’s brand spanking new, how the hell could it not be charging??????

Then he gives me this real serious look, he tilts his head down and peers over his glasses at me and says “I bet it’s your alternator.”

Awesome!

My Week………..In A Nutshell

Howdy everyone!

Ok that’s out of the way, now on with it.

My father passed away on June 24th…..he wasn’t really my dad, he adopted me because my real father didn’t want me and my stepdad (who I considered my real dad passed away 5 years ago). Anyway we didn’t get along well and actually haven’t even spoke since 2005….so please no condolences needed ok?

Then the weekend came and Saturday my brother had a big bash…pre 4th of July if you will….it was a blast, LOTS of people and my brother grilled out…some amazing burgers, chicken, brats and weenies….lots O’ alcohol and I got a new tat:

Owl Tat

Sunday with me having a hangover my wife drove me and my old college roommate to his house since he was ditched at the party and needed a ride. After we dropped him off me and wifey went to her mom and dad’s camper and hung out in the HEAT!!! Of course it rained (psst….it always rains when I go, there is an inside joke that it’s my fault that it rains).

Checked out the fireworks on Sunday night….ever tried to take a pic of a firework? Yeah it sucks….observe:

firework

firework2

Fireworks were ok, i’ve seen better, i’ve seen worse, but it was still fun.

Monday came home and finished GAME OF THRONES on ON DEMAND from COMCAST….if you haven’t watched it I highly suggest you watch it, me and wifey watched 7 episodes on Friday night alone……CRAZY!

Today I had yet another battle with my fucking lawnmower….a little backstory with this beast that I’m sure the BROWNROAD CHRONICLES can relate to. The 1st time the lawnmower gave me fits was because I didn’t have enough oil in it (who knew?) the 2nd time was because I had TO MUCH (that’s right TOO MUCH) oil in it…….seriously?????? Third time it died on me was because something was wrong with it (I can’t remember what “Mr. Fix It” said, but the mower was blowing out oil……Can I get a break??? Nope….just wait. I tried to mow the yard last week, I got the front yard cut no problem…..get to the back yard, I get halfway and it dies…….next day I get less usage before it dies….3rd day……that’s right folks 3 DAYS TRYING TO MOW MY YARD!!!!!!!

Today I get home and “Mr. Fix It” came and fixed the mower, said that it was the carburetor and it’s just the nature of the beast…..no way to fix it…awesome right?

Well he mowed the front yard……thank you sir. I get to the beloved backyard and guess how many x’s it died on me? Go ahead I’ll wait……………..

 

Page Down

 

 

Keep going

 

 

Keep going

 

 

Keep going

 

 

 

7 times!!!!!!!!!!!! And to top that off, I ran out of gas and if you refuel the mower won’t start again till the next day, I asked “Mr. Fix It” why that happens, he says it’s just one of those things……….and he fixes mowers for a reason.

I have begged and pleaded with wifey to let us buy a new one….her response? You’ll love this.

“We will get a new one, when the season is over”

“Great! How in the hell am I supposed to mow in the meantime”

She just laughs.

I have to laugh too…..or I’ll cry.