This is my 1st Photo Challenge and I thought this was appropriate…..last night I went to my mom’s annual Christmas/Bunco party…..don’t know what Bunco is? Google it, I don’t have time, sorry….but it’s a lot of fun.
Anyway, after after 3 games of Bunco we all decided to do shots and party it up, here is my thought of Celebration for this topic.
Notice the Margaretta’s behind her lol.
If I hadn’t told you before me and my wife work together, we carpool with my sis n law sometimes (she usually rides with us) yeah and their mom oh and their brother work here too. We do our best to save one ice glacier a day…your welcome Al Gore.
Anyway this week my wife has been very busy on a new project and we couldn’t each lunch together, so we both have been eating at our desks, which is fine with me I can surf the web and not be around drivers while trying to eat (no disrespect…just sayin’).
So the past couple of days I have had a couple of interesting conversations with coworkers…well I found them interesting anyway.
#1 I’m at the microwave and I am talking to coworker who sits directly in front of the microwave. Poor guy he has to smell all that burnt popcorn, because people don’t understand that there is a button that clearly says “POPCORN” on it and if u have a small bag u press it twice…ok end of that rant and back to the topic at hand.
So I have 8 mins to kill while my lasagna is cooking (Smart ones remember the “Chris Clay Diet?”) So I go up to his desk (2 feet away) and I look on his desk and I see his eyeglasses case which has the Batman logo on it …badass right? Here’s the conversation:
Me – Dude, that’s awesome! I love Batman
Him – Me too, I love Batman! I really really love him (he’s Mexican people give him a break will ya? Sheesh)
Me – Oh yeah? Well check this out (I show him my Batman tattoo…he is very impressed he might even had a boner…it is a nice tattoo)
Him – That is nice!
Me – Thanks!
Him – That is really really nice! Did it hurt?
Me – Hell yeah it did, they ALL hurt, don’t let anyone tell you they dont because they are lying.
Him – I didn’t know
Me – Wanna see my “Willie?” ( I love saying that…it cracks me up)
Him – (confused) Ok?
I show him my tattoo of Willie Nelson, again he is impressed. He then continues to ask me how long it took and how much all the usual stuff people ask when they see tattoos. I fulfill his curiosity then get my lasagna and eat.
#2 (this is a good one)
Coworker – Hey man I haven’t seen you and your wife much this week in the cafeteria
(I explain to him about how she is doing a special project and blah blah blah)
Somehow the conversation switches to him and his 2nd ex wife.
Him – Man I thought being with her was cool, she worked at Target in record dept (cd’s for all you youngsters) and we used to get free tickets to concerts and stuff.
We went to Tom Petty and we went backstage and I got all fucked up, and he fucked her.
Me – Who? Tom Petty?
Him – Yeah
Me – What he hell?
Him – Man I don’t know, but that was it. I divorced her ass…served her the papers on our anniversary.
Me – Hell yeah!
Him – It wasn’t planned, it just happened that way. “Here ya go bitch, happy anniversary!”
We both kinda laugh
Me – So you were what married 4 times or something?
Him – Yeah, with her we were only together a year, so I don’t really count her.
Me – Tom Petty huh?
Him – Yeah…that son of a bitch.
Microwave dings.
I’ve been in a funk lately; I just haven’t had or couldn’t find anything to write about that has been worthwhile to you my dear readers So, I am really pushing myself with this post, and I thought I would tell you about my childhood dreams.
When I was a little kid I heard about Steve Martin (who is still my all time favorite comedian, despite his terrible movies as of late),I am not sure where I discovered him it might have been Saturday Night Live or where I got his records, but that’s not important. What is important was that I discovered him and he forever changed my life.
I would listen to his records religiously front to back over and over, memorize it and then “perform” it in the mirror or standing up in front of my empty bed and sometimes to my friends. This is where I discovered the gift of making people laugh and immediately fell in love with this art.
Then I started discovering other comedians like Bill Cosby, Gallagher, Howie Mandel, George Carlin, Robin Williams & Louie Anderson to give you an idea. I started studying these acts…comedy was very important to me.
I was never the typical “Class clown” but I did have my moments, but they were usually with my group of friends that I could make laugh. In the 80′s when I got cable I discovered A&E’s An Evening At The Improve this damn show seemed to be on 24/7 and my ass watched it religiously as well learning the craft, finding out what worked and what didn’t. An old friend of mine’s mom used to watch it too and we would compare notes and she brought up something that I’ve never forgot she said that comedians are sad people and they turn their pain into pleasure for others and it helps them when they make people laugh, I guess it was like therapy to them. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was right…now I’m not saying ALL comedians are this narcissistic, but there are some depressed comedians that ended up taking their own life.
Richard Jeni
Mitch Hedberg
Sam Kinison
Chris Farly
John Belushi
Greg Giraldo
Those are to name a few, most of these were “accidental overdoses” but my point is I wasn’t depressed hell I was a pretty good go lucky guy, I was kind of an outsider in HS because of my heavy metal music and long hair at a christian school, but I did have friends…..mostly the freaks & geeks lol.
I got a big break in HS, I was at a school dance that was being held at a small club and I was talking to the DJ who happened to be a big time local radio DJ here in town, he was DJ-ing because he was an alumni from the school. Anyway him and I started talking about comedy and he said the he does some stand up at a club downtown and offered me 5-10 min spot, I took his card and never called him……..I didn’t have the guts or courage….I still don’t, see I never wrote my own material, I just mimicked everyone elses stuff and you can’t do that. I don’t regret it and I still love and study comedy, but that was definitely not my calling.
My other childhood dream was to be a stuntman, now this fantasy may have came before the comedian idea I believe, because it was in the 70′s when I discovered EVEL KNEVIL the baddest mofo on the planet as far as i was concerned, here was something I could definitely do, ride a bike and jumps things……SOLD! He used to do these elaborate stunts and they were televised oh you can bet your ass I was watching, I believe the 1st one I seen him do was at a monster truck show or demolition derby or something and he had on this amazing stars & stripes jumpsuit with a CAPE!!!! How badass is that for 6 or 7 year old eh? He was MY superhero before I discovered Batman. He jumped over like 10-15 semi trailers and made it!
He was a cultural icon as well there were t-shirts, belt buckles, lunchboxes and toys of this badass, and I had them all!
You get the idea, I was his #1 fan…….hell even my grandma knew of my fascination with this man that when she met him she got me his autograph….I wish I still had it….Miss you granny!
Ok so I started doing stunts around the neighborhood, I would jump ramps, fall off my bike in the street on purpose and roll and I’m talking at booking speed for a kid…so what maybe 3-5 mph? I dunno, but it was fast to me and that pavement hurt, but I didn’t feel it I was a STUNTMAN! I would climb the highest branch on the tree and tell my friends to shoot me and I was would fall straight down. I would run my bike into other bikes or into garage doors or fences. On day I lined up 10 kids and ran and jumped them, I landed on the 10th kid….my brother, he was pissed sorry bro I misjudged my jump. I would even get on the roof jump off backwards and land on my back…never broke a bone…..until.
This went on for years, at least until I was a freshman in HS I was helping my step dad help his step dad move one cold Saturday morning and there were these steps with an iron bannister outside….I looked at the steps and thought I could jump this (see I was always practicing) but I didn’t want to jump the stairs, no I wanted to jump off the top and down to the ground….there wasn’t another set of stairs, just cement….this is the best example I could find.
I was at the top on the rails, I believe there were 3 rails total and I was on the top one for more height and jumped up and out and down.
On the way down my right arm stuck the iron bannister and I heard a *SNAP* I knew something was not right, but I helped them move anyway. Turns out that my arm was broke, but my mom didn’t take me to the Dr. for several weeks even though I told her my arm was broke she wouldn’t believe me….HELLO? The damn thing was purple and bloated…oh well. One day I was at my aunts (she used to watch me and my brother when we got off school until my mom got off work to pick us up) and she asked me what was wrong my my arm, I said it’s broke (she has 4 kids, she knew the signs and symptoms for all) she said it sure is….well she calls my mom and asks her if she knew my arm was broke and she said that I had told her, but she didn’t think it was true, so my aunt informed her it was true.
We went to the Dr. and mom said for me not to tell the Doc that I had told her about this since she didn’t want to seem like she was a neg-lector…which she isn’t she probably just didn’t have to cash to take me there…hell I was in the emergency room nightly, I was on a one named basis with the staff…no joke, I was something else.
Fast forward to college, I had gotten into skateboarding, I had the banana boards when I was kid, but I had a sweet METALLICA deck in college, but couldn’t ride for shit….never could. One night in the dorm me and my buds have a brilliant idea and thought we would ride the skateboards in the hallway and land on mattresses….this was pre-Jackass people…we were were risk takers! I ended up breaking my left leg that night.
After the cast was removed I got back on my deck went outside the dorm door and immediately fell and broke my left leg….SEIOUSLY???? Mom was pissed boy, that was the end of my Stuntman career, even though I had only broke 3 bones in my body, nothing like my hero Evel….he broke EVERY bone in his body more than once….I still love that man, him and Burt Reynolds…hey he was the Bandit & Hooper.
Howdy everyone!
Ok that’s out of the way, now on with it.
My father passed away on June 24th…..he wasn’t really my dad, he adopted me because my real father didn’t want me and my stepdad (who I considered my real dad passed away 5 years ago). Anyway we didn’t get along well and actually haven’t even spoke since 2005….so please no condolences needed ok?
Then the weekend came and Saturday my brother had a big bash…pre 4th of July if you will….it was a blast, LOTS of people and my brother grilled out…some amazing burgers, chicken, brats and weenies….lots O’ alcohol and I got a new tat:
Sunday with me having a hangover my wife drove me and my old college roommate to his house since he was ditched at the party and needed a ride. After we dropped him off me and wifey went to her mom and dad’s camper and hung out in the HEAT!!! Of course it rained (psst….it always rains when I go, there is an inside joke that it’s my fault that it rains).
Checked out the fireworks on Sunday night….ever tried to take a pic of a firework? Yeah it sucks….observe:
Fireworks were ok, i’ve seen better, i’ve seen worse, but it was still fun.
Monday came home and finished GAME OF THRONES on ON DEMAND from COMCAST….if you haven’t watched it I highly suggest you watch it, me and wifey watched 7 episodes on Friday night alone……CRAZY!
Today I had yet another battle with my fucking lawnmower….a little backstory with this beast that I’m sure the BROWNROAD CHRONICLES can relate to. The 1st time the lawnmower gave me fits was because I didn’t have enough oil in it (who knew?) the 2nd time was because I had TO MUCH (that’s right TOO MUCH) oil in it…….seriously?????? Third time it died on me was because something was wrong with it (I can’t remember what “Mr. Fix It” said, but the mower was blowing out oil……Can I get a break??? Nope….just wait. I tried to mow the yard last week, I got the front yard cut no problem…..get to the back yard, I get halfway and it dies…….next day I get less usage before it dies….3rd day……that’s right folks 3 DAYS TRYING TO MOW MY YARD!!!!!!!
Today I get home and “Mr. Fix It” came and fixed the mower, said that it was the carburetor and it’s just the nature of the beast…..no way to fix it…awesome right?
Well he mowed the front yard……thank you sir. I get to the beloved backyard and guess how many x’s it died on me? Go ahead I’ll wait……………..
Page Down
Keep going
Keep going
Keep going
7 times!!!!!!!!!!!! And to top that off, I ran out of gas and if you refuel the mower won’t start again till the next day, I asked “Mr. Fix It” why that happens, he says it’s just one of those things……….and he fixes mowers for a reason.
I have begged and pleaded with wifey to let us buy a new one….her response? You’ll love this.
“We will get a new one, when the season is over”
“Great! How in the hell am I supposed to mow in the meantime”
She just laughs.
I have to laugh too…..or I’ll cry.
Last night my stepson wanted to go outside and play while mommy made dinner, so I went out with him to watch him and make sure he didn’t runaway or get kidnapped or just didn’t do anything he shouldn’t be doing.
It started out ok with him riding his bike, but then his ADD kicked in and he wanted to ride his battery operated Jeep. The night before we all sat out in the driveway and watched a local church put on a firework show and while we waited he rode the Jeep around and the battery was getting weak and we all forgot to charge it.
He tells me that he wants to ride his Jeep, I tell him that it’s dead and that the battery needs to be charged, which usually takes overnight to charge it.
“No it isn’t”
“Ok fine” I have grown tired of arguing with a four year old, so whenever he argues now, I just say “OK.”
He rides the Jeep and surprisingly it works…………until he gets out into the street and turns around to go over the little ramp back up to the driveway. Here is where it turns sour, the Jeep doesn’t have the power to make it over the ramp and he starts yelling at me.
“COME GET ME!!!!”
“No” I say calmly, because he didn’t say please and I am trying to get this kid to learn his manners, if he would have said please I would have jumped up and helped and I wasn’t going to remind him.
“GET OVER HER AND HELP ME!!!”
“No, you can push it” It’s not that heavy, even for a 4 year old.
He gets out and pushes it, to my surprise he pushes it very hard and easily (he was pissed!) he pushes it all the way up to the top of the driveway.
“I’m gonna tell mommy you yelled at me!”
“No, I didn’t” I didn’t yell, this whole entire time I was very calm and trying not to egg him on.
He goes inside and SLAMS the door, he comes out a few seconds later…
“I’M GONNA FIGHT YOU!!!”
He’s carying this toy sword that if you get hit with it, it does hurt, and he comes out and he starts hitting me really fast repeatedly.
“Stop!”
Continues hitting me
“I said stop”
Continues hitting me, so I swat his butt, it would have been harder, but the angle I was at I couldn’t reach it….he stops and just glares at me.
“Get in the house!”
Still glaring
“NOW!!!!!!!!”
He starts crying and he goes inside, I follow him and he stands in the kitchen.
“Get on the couch and don’t move!!”
Mommy finally has had it
“Ok what is going on”
I explain to her that he is upset because the Jeeps’ battery is dead and I calmly explain to her as I did above. After I finished she took my side and told him that he knows better than to hit people with the sword, and he stays on the couch till dinner is ready (about 10 mins if that).
Sigh……good times.
